i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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