I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
