Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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