Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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