My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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