new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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