I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
