Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
