I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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