I wanna bring you to show and tell
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
