hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
