does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
