so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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