I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
