two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
