Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
