You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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