Don't make out with my wife yet
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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