You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
