She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
