I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
