we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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