I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
