You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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