and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
