I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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