I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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