the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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