Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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