Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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