I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
