im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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