when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
