It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
