Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You are a genius and a whore.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
