I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
