In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
