My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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