He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
