paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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