As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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