There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
