We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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