When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
