Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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