Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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