I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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