i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
