I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
