But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
