Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
