I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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