When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
