so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
