The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
