i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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