I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
