I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
