didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
