the condom got lost in my hair
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Four minutes until I can fart!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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