This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
