I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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