so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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