his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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