i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
