I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Randomize
