My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
