I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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